History books are full of clever quotations said by clever people (mostly men) about clever things. We all know that Isaac Newton said ‘Ouch’ when he invented gravity. And that Greek guy said ‘Eureka’ when he learnt how to make a Roman ship-killing death-ray in the bath. But do we ever know what people said about discoveries that predate the discovery of making historical quotations? In the spirit of Stanley Kubrick channelling his energies into a bunch of apes looking at a big monolith and suddenly thinking ‘I’m hungry’ here are a few attempts by myself at correcting this wrong:
Planets
‘Hey, Dave, you know, I was looking at the stars last night and I noticed something. Some of those stars don’t move the same way, they’re like, wandering all over the place. Weird huh? D’ya think we should name them or something?’
Milk
Hey Del, you know, I saw Terry yesterday afternoon. No, no, not Terry Maker-of-spears, no, Terry Botherer-of-Animals. Yeah, not sure what he was doing but he was sitting down by one of the cows, on a rock or something. Dunno. Well a few hours later he came to our party and he had this drink I’ve never tasted before. Not water, no. Kind of white and cloudy. It was delicious. No, don’t know where he got it from. I’ll have to ask him.’
Money
‘Oh, hi Pierre, sorry, haven’t seen you in a while. Been up in the hills gathering rocks. Yeah, found these weird shiny ones, kinda yellow-ish and glittery. I know, pretty eh? I know a few other have got a few, but I know I’ve got a lot more than anyone else now. And you know? I suddenly feel like a much more important person than other people. Somehow more important, better. So get lost.
ProstitutionSay what Pierre? You said you want some glittery, shiny yellow rocks too? Well, we can't have everything. Just sit over there and I'll think of something...
Planets
‘Hey, Dave, you know, I was looking at the stars last night and I noticed something. Some of those stars don’t move the same way, they’re like, wandering all over the place. Weird huh? D’ya think we should name them or something?’
Milk
Hey Del, you know, I saw Terry yesterday afternoon. No, no, not Terry Maker-of-spears, no, Terry Botherer-of-Animals. Yeah, not sure what he was doing but he was sitting down by one of the cows, on a rock or something. Dunno. Well a few hours later he came to our party and he had this drink I’ve never tasted before. Not water, no. Kind of white and cloudy. It was delicious. No, don’t know where he got it from. I’ll have to ask him.’
Money
‘Oh, hi Pierre, sorry, haven’t seen you in a while. Been up in the hills gathering rocks. Yeah, found these weird shiny ones, kinda yellow-ish and glittery. I know, pretty eh? I know a few other have got a few, but I know I’ve got a lot more than anyone else now. And you know? I suddenly feel like a much more important person than other people. Somehow more important, better. So get lost.
ProstitutionSay what Pierre? You said you want some glittery, shiny yellow rocks too? Well, we can't have everything. Just sit over there and I'll think of something...